I am sure that everyone was expecting my next post to be about the birth of my second child, but I think it is important to highlight the children I almost had; my angel babies.
I, like many women, have suffered from pregnancy loss. It is actually more common than you think. I have personally experienced two miscarriages in my life. Each were their own life and loss.
My first miscarriage was in May of 2018. My husband and I had decided that we were ready to try for a second baby. This was actually the first baby we tried for. As I said before, Abigayle was not exactly expected, but was absolutely needed and loved and we couldn't wait to give her a sibling. We were surprised that it had happened so quickly. You hear the horror stories about secondary infertility and some couples having a hard time getting pregnant with their second. The timing was perfect. We were ready to have a winter baby. I remember having a summer pregnancy was MISERABLE at the end.
This pregnancy started off as normal as the first. I had all the classic symptoms at the right times, but around 6 weeks, I started to spot bright red blood. As many know, this can be absolutely normal and mean nothing, but the bleeding wouldn't stop. I was concerned enough to get an earlier appointment with my OB and go in.
At the doctor's office, I had an ultrasound. I was supposed to be about 7 weeks at the time. When they measured the little bean on the screen, it was measuring smaller than expected, but it had a strong heart beat. They further investigated the imaging and found that I had what is called a Sub Chorionic Hemorrhage (SCH). it is basically a blood clot on the uterine wall. This is what was causing the bleeding. SCH are actually very common and most times can resolve on their own without disturbing the pregnancy, but this was not the case for me.
The doctor sent me home with cautious hope. The SCH was larger than what she felt comfortable with and she was not confident the pregnancy would progress. I appreciated her honesty. In the end, it was her forewarning that helped me accept what happened next. It wasn't long before I was in the emergency room with period-like bleeding. My heart was in my stomach when the ultrasound was performed. I knew what the doctor was going to say. I knew that I was losing the baby, if I hadn't already, but knowing what was coming didn't stop me from crying when I got the news.
The baby passed away only days after that first ultrasound; maybe even that day. It measured just shy of 7 weeks and was the size of a blueberry. I know this because I was sent home to pass the fetus at home. It took about 3 days or so for my body to finally expel the baby. The photo taken above was actually the day it happened. I was at a pregnancy and maternity fair holding my first ever booth for Labor to Love, LLC. I sat on that birth ball for hours in intense pain while my baby passed. All the while, I was promoting my business and watching healthy pregnant women walking up and down the halls. It was so surreal.
After my first miscarriage, I was optimistic that I could conceive again quickly. Each month I was anxious to see those two pink lines. It took about four months to get pregnant again and we were ecstatic! What were the chances we would lose this one, too?
Apparently pretty high...
After having a positive pregnancy test for over a week, on exactly day one of week five, I started to bleed. Just like a period, it came slow then progressed throughout the day. I took another pregnancy test before heading to the hospital; negative. I had what is called a chemical pregnancy. It was there and gone so quickly that there wasn't even a fetus to pass.
This miscarriage threw me for a loop. I was now getting concerned. Was there something wrong with me? Why couldn't I carry a pregnancy all of the sudden? Did the IUD I had placed after Abigayle was born scar me? I was an emotional mess. I was scared to get pregnant again. I could not bear to lose another baby. I couldn't handle the grief. It was at that time I decided to stop trying. I stopped all temperature taking, stopped my prenatal vitamins, stopped tracing my cycle and stopped having timed sex. We just went about our lives as normal.
You wouldn't believe my shock when that very next month, I missed my period...